Thursday, July 19, 2012

Determination/Inspiration & Learning to TRUST

YESTERDAY I RAN 3.27 MILES IN 100°F HEAT AND DID 50 PUSHUPS!!!

Okay, let me be more honest and rephrase that…

Yesterday I half ran (more like jogged) 3.27 miles in 96°F heat (felt like 100°F degrees with humidity) and did 25 pushups before I ran (19 at once and then 6 more) and then did another 25 after the “run” (15 at once and then 10 more).  =P

Now, maybe this might not seem like much of an accomplishment, but for me it was.  For a guy who hasn’t ran in about 2 months, has lost about 30lbs over the past 9-10 months (including plenty of muscle), has cancer, is currently undergoing chemotherapy and is taking drugs/medicines that make him dizzy and lightheaded at times and that tell him he shouldn’t be in prolonged sunlight exposure, it’s a good sized accomplishment; one that I probably shouldn’t have done to be honest, but I needed to yesterday.

What made me think doing that was an acceptable thing to do?   I started to read Lance Armstrong’s book, “It’s Not About the Bike” and after only 25 pages, I was PUMPED UP!!!  Now you can say whatever you want about Lance Armstrong, maybe he has cheated and maybe he hasn’t but what you can’t deny is that the man has been through A LOT and I can relate because when he found out about his cancer, he was only 1 year older than me; 25 years old.  Just after the few pages I read, his life and determination got me motivated.  I know I am going to beat the cancer inside, I am absolutely determined to live on and to keep letting God work in me and through me during this time.  As ridiculous as this sounds, I started to envision myself playing in the NFL.  I was so jacked up with raw purpose that I could see myself, after this is all over, getting coached on football.  I secretly have always regretted not trying out for football in high school because I love the sport and I love playing it!  I like to play QB and Free Safety.  I like to command the field.  I think if I actually had the physical talent to play someday, I would rather play FS.  My body is more suited for it being 6’0” tall (of course I would need to bulk up about 50lbs since this cancer has left me hovering at only 150lbs right now, and I would need to work on my vertical and speed), but I do think I have the natural intelligence to play the position.

(exiting dreamland and back to reality) lol

Anyways; after reading part of his book, I started to think, well what can I do right now, I am all pumped up, I need to do something with all this energy and so I told myself I would try and run “the loop” as my Pop-pop calls it.  I went to my room and changed; put on my under armour boxer jocks and shorts, last year’s Beach to Beacon race shirt, a bandana, and my LiveSTRONG bracelet (seemed fitting =P).  I got a water bottle ready and turned on the iMapMyRun app on my phone and put them in my backpack, did half of my goal for pushups and set forth on my journey; I suppose to try and push myself into giving me the freedom of some type of normalcy that I strongly miss.

Man, when that heat hit me, it felt amazing.  I could feel the cells in my body reaching out for its warmth.  I walked up a small hill, took a left turn and started to run.  It felt so good!  …for about 5 minutes haha.  Quickly my heart, my lungs, and my leg muscles began to scream at me, yelling, “what the heck are you doing you crazy man, we aren’t ready for this quite yet!”  I remember praying to God around this moment, “Lord, be with me.  Please grant me the strength to accomplish this”.  I ran the first mile and had to stop.  It made me really mad; I kept battling within myself if I should even stop or just push, but then wisdom hit me and I realized that passing out on the side of the road wasn’t worth the 3 mile journey.  I stopped because I could feel a pain in my heart, my neck tensing up, and my head and hands frequently tingled.  In fact, they tingled throughout much of my “run”.  It felt really good though, to feel free and run again, even with how much my body was being tested.  I also found out that Southern Maryland is pretty friendly because about 75% of the people I waved to that drove past me waved back; I even got a car honk!  =P

The “run” took a lot out of me.  After resting on the floor for a bit, I did the rest of my pushups and took a shower because I was drenched in sweat. My body was completely exhausted and I fell asleep after the shower until dinner time.  I remember feeling pretty weak when I woke up so I took my blood pressure just as a precaution; it was only 91/61 which is not very good.  Dinner helped a lot though, and I regained my energy.  I do have to say that today I am very sore but it was worth it.  I actually feel better today and I have decided to make it my goal to try and run the route between each of the rest of my chemo treatments; however I will be sure to not run on such hot days in the future.   

Part of why I needed to do this, was just for the general health of my psyche.  Cancer sucks, no doubt about it.  It turns your life upside down!  Lance says this early in the book; “I won’t kid you. There are two Lance Armstrongs, pre-cancer, and post.  Everybody’s favorite question is ‘How did cancer change you?’  The real question is how didn’t it change me? …… The truth is that cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I don’t know why I got the illness, but it did wonders for me, and I wouldn’t want to walk away from it.  Why would I want to change, even for a day, the most important and shaping event in my life?”  I can relate to those statements SO much.  Of course I wish it didn’t take cancer/heartache to bring about all the changes I am currently undergoing, because it can be very hard, but I can see so much how it is affecting me in such a positive way.  For me, it is also God who is changing my life.  My faith has been established, which I have always had, but never really embraced until around the end of October of last year.  A lot of the events that have taken place since then have included a lot of trials which are not fun at all, but I am able to find purpose in each of them.

God is really working in my life right now and changing me.  One of the biggest things as I have mentioned before is that He is trying to teach me more about trust; starting with trusting Him.  It is the most important and hardest lesson for me to learn.  I have tried to control things in my life for a long time; mostly out of fear.  Learning to trust God, a being who I cannot even see is my ultimate test of trust.  Once I am able to fully do that, it will enable me to be trusting with all the aspects of my life.  It will be really healing for me actually.

This was today’s devotional in Jesus Calling; I felt like it was made for me today and what I have been struggling with: 

“Bring Me all your feelings, even the ones you wish you didn't have. Fear and anxiety still plague you. Feelings per se are not sinful, but they can be temptations to sin. Blazing missiles of fear fly at you day and night; these attacks from the evil one come at you relentlessly. Use your shield of faith to extinguish those flaming arrows. Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel. If you persist, your feelings will eventually fall in line with your faith.

Do not hide from your fear or pretend it isn't there. Anxiety that you hide in the recesses of your heart will give birth to fear of fear; a monstrous stepchild. Bring your anxieties out into the Light of My Presence, where we can deal with them together. Concentrate on trusting Me, and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold within you.”

“See, God has come to save me. I will trust in Him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; He has given me victory.” – Isaiah 12:2

“Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” – Ephesians 6:13-17

“This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.” - 1 John 1:5-7

Trust is so important, hence probably why it is the toughest lesson for me to learn.  It sometimes is the hardest thing to do, but also the most important.  If you can’t trust, you live in a world filled with anxiety and fear; it’s one of the worst places to be in... trust me, I know. Trust is one of the most delicate things in this life.  It is so pure and special.  Once you break it though; it can be almost impossible to gain it back; it definitely is something that has to be earned more often than not.  I don’t know why it has been so hard for me to just blindly trust things in my life; I could take a few guesses, but it’s not really worth wondering why.  What is more important to me is to continue to seek God in trusting Him with my life.  I know I can trust Him because He is good, He loves me unconditionally and He is worthy.  It comes down to having Faith in Him.  You can’t have one without the other.  I just gotta ‘let go and let God!’  There is so much freedom in trusting the Lord; I am so scared to do it but at the same time so excited.  He deserves my trust, for He is faithful and He showed us the ultimate reason of why we should trust in Him because He showed us the ultimate showing of love; Jesus dying on the cross for us all.

“Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and He will help you.” – Psalm 37:5


"Faith grows only as it is tested.  It is through the dark experiences of life rather than in its lightsome joys that our faith rises to new heights.  Such experiences will develop in us a more restful confidence in our heavenly Father's love and providential care." - J. Oswald Sanders

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." - James 1:2 

I challenge you all this week if you are struggling with trust to find comfort in knowing that God has you in His loving hands and that you don’t need to fear for God is Good and I hope that my small amount of determination yesterday will bring you inspiration in any battles you may be facing right now; YOU CAN DO IT!  Even if you don’t achieve your goals right away, never stop trying!

God Bless you all!

Love in Him,

-Matthew   =)

Today’s Blog Playlist:

Monday, July 16, 2012

Baldy! (and Chemo update)


Alright everyone, I know this blog post is long overdue so get comfy and put on your reading glasses; this is going to be long one!  =P

Since I last posted; a bunch has taken place.  I started to lose my hair, I went through my second treatment of chemo, had some pretty tough days and recently more good ones and a few “revelations” about life; in particular mostly about my own.  Buckle your seatbelts kiddies, h e r e  W E  GO!!

On Sunday July 1st is when I first started to notice my hair coming out.  I was in the shower getting ready for church and shampooing my hair.  It was actually kind of an interesting shower before I noticed hair falling out because I was at my cousin Melissa’s house and she has the shared bathroom set up for her 2 year old Gavyn and thus my showerhead was a whale spitting water out of his mouth at me lol.  I didn’t notice hair in the drain but rather on my hands as I was rubbing the shampoo through my hair.  It was one of those moments were I just stared at my hands for a long moment and proceeded to take a deep breath.  I knew it would happen, but I think a part of me wished it wouldn’t and it’s one of those things that doesn’t really hit you until it actually does happen.  Like sometimes how you don’t really realize how much you miss someone until they’re gone or, specifically for you ladies, you can’t fathom what it feels like to have a life inside of you until you are actually pregnant.  I didn’t cry or anything like that, I simply stopped rubbing my head out of sheer fear that it would all fall out lol.  Once I was out of the shower I started to inspect and it didn’t look like any had fallen out (thank God for the thick & coarse hair he blessed me with).  As the days went on I started to realize that I was shedding and just running my hands through my head would result in strands of hair falling out.  Then one morning I woke up to this…


I had enough.  I couldn’t keep watching it slowly fall out or keep not taking showers lol.  I reluctantly made the decision to shave my head.  Thank God because He didn’t allow me to do it alone.  My Dad and my cousin’s husband Jeromie joined in on the fun with me which definitely helped to have that support their and both of the hairstyles where pretty awesome as well.  The blonde one who shaved my head is actually who my Pop-pop always goes to when he gets a haircut so I had met her a few times and she had already cut my hair twice before this (her name is Stephanie).  We were actually all laughing and making jokes throughout the whole thing.  Below is the before and after pictures along with a (rather boring so I won’t feel bad if you don’t watch it) short video of me getting my hair buzzed.








A funny/not-so-funny side note was my Dad getting his dome butchered by the girl who buzzed his head.  The girl was like, “are you okay? because your head is bleeding” and I think my Dad responded with something along the lines of “well I guess not; I have been holding back some tears” lol. Stephanie didn’t even charge me because I had been there a little over a week before to get a haircut and she thanked us for brightening up her day. 

It’s kind of strange because I am not really losing hair anywhere else; nor growing hair either.  My facial hair seems to be at a standstill on growth and the legs, arms, and chest are still standing strong lol.  A weird thing that I learned is that once my hair does grow back after this is all over and I BEAT THIS THING, is that my hair could grow back a totally different color and even texture; I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it stays the same though; I liked my hair.

If you haven’t noticed yet, my mother started a fundraiser for me because all things pertaining to my situation are becoming a bit of a financial burden on my family and I.  I can’t work; in fact my doctor has written that I cannot work for at least 18 weeks if not more, so I have been looking into trying to get some type of benefits so that I can have some type of money coming in.  Dealing with the different services is a bit of headache, along with all the paperwork.  I have needed to defer my student loans, apply for help with storing my sperm (Sharing Hope, a part of LIVESTRONG), look into disability or unemployment benefits, transfer my sperm from one facility to another long term one, and deal with the numerous medical bills to name most of the stuff I have needed to do.  Plus, I just feel bad because I can’t really contribute and my family spends a lot of money to see me and take care of me.  It’s frustrating because I want to work and I want to be able to pay these bills and prescriptions etc. myself, but instead of letting that all get to me, I try to just focus on the fact that I am blessed with a great family, great friends, and that there are options for me to try and get some help from the government.  I do need to give a shout out to President Obama; he may not be the best president we have had but if it wasn’t for Obama Care I would not be currently insured under my father’s medical plan and would be royally screwed when it came to all the medical costs.  Let me put it to you this way, just one of my prescription drugs without insurance was over $650 for only 20 pills; with insurance it was still $80 but insurance clearly took a huge chunk of the cost.

I met with my doctor to discuss how things were going before my second round of chemo.  He told me that the results of my echo cardiogram looked good and that my heart was working just fine and my blood work is pretty darn awesome considering all that my body is being subjected to right now.  We discussed certain things like the drugs I am taking, concerns I was having etc. 

I had just started to feel somewhat “normal” again by the time I had my second chemo treatment which was on July 6th.  My Dad, my Aunt Kelley, and my Aunt Beth joined me this time.  It went pretty much the same way as the previous time except this time I was less anxious because I now know what to expect when getting chemo. I had blood work done at 7am, waited roughly three hours for them to make my chemo cocktail and then received my treatment around 11am.  While we waited we had breakfast at the hospital cafeteria which isn’t half bad.  If you remember from the first chemo treatment blog post, I had mentioned that I met a woman who was handing out chocolate cake to people and she was brightening up people’s day.  I was determined to do the same at my next chemo treatment and wanted to make brownies for people; however no amount of determination can break past my Nanny’s wishes lol.  She wouldn’t let me use the oven because it had been so hot down here recently.  However, perhaps it’s because God had a better idea.  The three of us found a local Italian bakery and walked a couple miles to it from the hospital.  There we bought two big boxes of cookies to give out to the nurses and other chemo patients and I also got to meet and talk to one of the owners.  She was a sweet woman who is from Venice and talked to me about the town and the wonder foods of Italy.  I promised her would come visit her and have breakfast with her every morning from now on during my chemo treatment days (not a hard decision with all the amazing food she made)



No strange things to report during the chemo process and this one took less to complete; we left around 5pm I think.  My Aunt Kelley and I handed out the cookies and everyone loved them; it was funny to see the nurses not in my chemo room give us a strange look as they took a cookie because I am sure they just didn’t expect it.  It was such a blessing to talk with and see the smiles of the other people who have cancer as well… definitely doing it again next time!  Anyways, what I didn’t expect was to feel the chemo effects as quickly as I did this time around.  Last time I was feeling pretty good, just nauseous the night of if I remember right, but this time it hit me kind of hard and within a couple hours.  I was with my Dad at my Uncle Kevin and Aunt Beth’s beach house about 20 minutes from where my Nanny & Pop-pop live.  They were preparing dinner and I started to feel nauseous and light-headed.  I went to sit on the couch and sat there holding my head as it was starting to pound a little.  My Dad kept asking me how I felt and I told him I just felt weird and weak.  I kind of fell over as I laid down on the couch and that’s when my Dad decided it was time for me to get back “home”.  As I started to stand up, I could feel it being abnormally harder to stand than it should be.  We got back to my Nan & Pop's, I took a nausea pill, downed some water and passed out as my Dad rubbed my back.

This past Friday I went back to the doctor a week after my 2nd chemo treatment to get an IV of fluids to help with any dehydration that I might be experiencing and I also got some more blood work done and met with my doctor briefly.  My doctor was very encouraging because he told me that I am handling the treatment quite well while many people tend to be worse off than how I am doing.  He also told me that he is very pleased with my blood work as most of it is quite good.  (ohhh yeahhh, I am kicking this things butt!  My body is strong, my will is strong, and my heart is even stronger; this cancer WILL NOT destroy me!).  The only real concerns so far are my whiteblood cell (WBC) counts.  They certainly have taken a hit from the chemo and it is important to monitor my WBC’s because they are the disease fighters of my body.  If they get too low, I am at a risk of a really bad infection and possibly getting fatally sick because my body doesn’t have enough of its own anti-bodies to protect me from a sickness entering and wreaking havoc on my body.  I do take an anti-biotic pill every day and also an even more powerful one on days 8-15 of each chemo session (when my WBC’s take the biggest hit) to help my body out.  The doctors and I look mostly at two components of my blood; my white blood cell counts which are the mature WBC’s in my body and also my neutrophil numbers as these are immature white blood cells being developed in my body.  I call them my soldiers in boot camp who aren’t quite ready to hit the battlefield yet lol.  To give you an idea of how the chemo has been affecting me; a normal range from low to high of white blood cell count levels is between 4500 - 11,000 per cubic millimeter.  On June 6th before any of my chemo started my count was 8710/cu.mm; the same count from my most recent blood work done on July 13th was only 2810/cu.mm.  Taking a look at my neutrophils, a normal range from low to high is between 1500 – 7800 per cubic millimeter.  On June 6th that level was 6530/cu.mm and now on July 13th it is only 1790/cu.mm.

Friday was actually a really fun day.  My cousin Melissa brought me up to Johns Hopkins and she is like my twin in a lot of ways.  People at the hospital actually thought we might be brother and sister and I do kind of look at her as an older sister.  It’s kind of funny because we are exactly 10 years and 6 days apart from each other but we are on the same level much of the time.  We are both really silly and goofy and it’s just fun hanging out with her.  We can have deep intimate conversations and then the next moment be total dorks laughing at our goofiness.  For example, as we drove back from the hospital we were jamming out in the car and I started to dance outside of the car window waving at the passerby’s lol. To side track real quick, while I was get the IV of fluids I had to leave early, which was fine, because my doctor said I might not have even needed it this time but it was good to get as a precaution.  I needed to leave before the fluids were finished because there were so many smells that kept making me feel nauseous.  Let me explain, the chemo has made my sense of smell really sensitive and certain things can make me feel nauseous, like the alcohol they use to clean the beds and like the woman who was in the chemo room wearing WAYY too much bad smelling perfume.  I also get bloated at times and get constipated… along with my nausea and cravings for things like milkshakes, pickles, and bacon covered cheese fries; after talking to a few women, apparently I am pregnant!  =P  It was also a really nice day because my friend Teresa was on vacation in Maryland visiting two of her friends and she met me in Baltimore and had lunch with my cousin and I.  Visits are greatly appreciated folks (hint hint)  ;-).               

I took pictures of some of my chemo drugs at my most recent chemo session, but I had to delete them from my phone because just thinking about the chemo makes me nauseous now; my body now associates them “as not a good time” lol.  One of the five chemo drugs is doxorubicin which is nicknamed “the red devil”.  It is one of the worst chemo drugs, in the sense that it causes a lot side effects and possible complications.  It is bright red and is injected by my nurse straight into my IV at the top of my forearm; a little side note: it turns my pee red for like my next two “fluid release sessions” which is kinda cool/weird lol.
 
“Acute adverse effects of doxorubicin can include nausea, vomiting, and heart arrhythmias. It can also cause neutropenia (a decrease in white blood cells), as well as complete alopecia (hair loss). A more mild side effect is discoloration of the urine, which can turn bright red for up to 48 hours after dosing. When the cumulative dose of doxorubicin reaches 550 mg/m², the risks of developing cardiac side effects, including CHF, dilated cardiomyopathy, and death, dramatically increase. Doxorubicin cardiotoxicity is characterized by a dose-dependent decline in mitochondrial oxidative phosphorylation. Reactive oxygen species, generated by the interaction of doxorubicin with iron, can then damage the myocytes (heart cells), causing myofibrillar loss and cytoplasmic vacuolization. Additionally, some patients may develop PPE, characterized by skin eruptions on the palms of the hand or soles of the feet, swelling, pain and erythema. Doxorubicin may interfere with the normal menstrual cycle (period) in women and may stop sperm production in men. Doxorubicin may increase your risk for developing leukemia (cancer of the white blood cells), especially when it is given in high doses or together with certain other chemotherapy medications and radiation (x-ray) therapy. Due to these side effects and its red color, doxorubicin has earned the nickname "red devil" or "red death.”

I haven’t talked too much specifically about my chemo drugs because as you can read, it’s kind of depressing lol.

I’m starting to notice a pattern now after two chemo treatments where that first week or so after chemo just sucks; but on the bright side, it was not as bad this time compared to the first week of my first treatment.  I didn’t have a really hard night where my body ached a lot like I did the first time around.  This time around I have felt weak still, somehow got hiccups again (strange side-effect to me) but they didn’t last nearly as long as last time, light-headed at times but not as frequent, I feel really toxic still and just strange inside, I sweat a lot more than normally, especially in my armpits lol (probably because my body is trying to release the junk in me and we have lymph nodes in our armpits so it kind of makes sense), and I still have a lot of trouble sleeping; which is partially from the chemo, partially from the drugs I am on, and from the fact that I drink tons of water each day to help flush my system out which results in me waking up 2-6 times in the middle of the night to pee.  I did notice though that by the last week of each chemo session, the sleeping does get a little better and I am starting to try and limit my fluids a few hours before bed.  Another reason I think for the lack of sleep is that I have had a lot on my mind…

I try not to get too much into how I am doing emotionally and mentally because I like/want/need to stay positive, but to be honest, I do get depressed and I was depressed a lot this past week.  When I feel really beaten up from the chemo drugs and my body is at its worst each week; when I am the most limited physically, is when I tend to really feel down. 

(prepare for a vent session =P)

I don’t have my car, and even if I did, I am not allowed to drive by myself.  I try to do some exercises or go for a walk, but I get winded just from walking uphill and sometimes I feel so weak or fatigued that all I want to do is stay in bed; plus because of the state of my body and because of a certain anti-biotic that I have to take every day, my exposure to the sun has to be quite limited.  If I got sunburnt it could actually become permanent.  I also can’t get too hot either.  I tend to feel really hot in my core a lot or sometimes my head feels really hot and if I got a temperature above 100.4°F I would have to rush to the hospital; luckily though whenever I feel hot and take my temperature it has always been right around normal.  I live with my grandparents, which I thank God for because it truly is such a blessing, however, it can be quite taxing at times to live with people who are almost 60 years old than me; but if anything, it’s God’s way of making me even more patient than I already am lol.  I get lonely and feel isolated sometimes.  I have some family here, but they all are busy living life so it’s not like I can just see them whenever I want.  They have to come to me or I have to be chauffeured to them; with my main chauffeur being my 82 year old Pop-pop; who can drive, but at his age, he shouldn’t have to as much as he has been doing for me.  I appreciate them a lot because they are doing so much for me to accommodate this sickly and goofy young man in their home.  I miss my friends, I miss my independence, I miss my health, I miss normalcy, and I miss my ex-girlfriend; a lot.  This situation has been extra hard for me because not only is my body and mind being tested, but my heart is in agony as well.  Now before I get into this, I need to say that my ex-gf is an AMAZING woman and she is not making this harder for me in anyway at all.  It’s just my own feelings and emotions that are associated with my current state of heartache that brings me great suffering and pain.  Simply put; I miss her dearly.  Just thinking about the mess of a situation her and I’s relationship has become is bringing me to tears right now... Some nights I can’t sleep because my mind is racing with so many thoughts: “I wish I could hold her in my arms again and softly kiss her forehead”, “I wish I could still be a part of her life”, “I wonder how her day was today”, “why aren’t we together and why did this have to happen”, “I wish she were here with me and I could tell her she is beautiful”, “I wonder how she is doing; I hope she is okay and smiling that gorgeous smile of hers a lot”, “does she think of me and miss me too”, “I regret so much the things that I did that hurt her; please God, give me a chance to make it up to her by being this new man you have/are creating me into”… to name a few; no need to go too much into it, you get the gist.  I miss seeing, talking, and spending time with her; I miss being someone in her life that brought her joy and could make her smile.  I miss being there for her and being her man.  She became such a close friend to me; my best friend really.  I get frustrated, angry, sad, depressed and sometimes cry because of it all.  Feelings of regret and guilt sometimes consume me; because I have learned so much from our break up and see why God allowed it happen; but now I want so badly to make up for not being the best man I could have been for her… I struggle in trying to let her go and giving her the space she has so desperately needed for the past 6 months, mostly because I don’t really even want to let her go and have to spend our lives not together.  I don’t want to live my life not being by her side; loving her, supporting her, comforting her, respecting her, honoring her; so trying to get my heart and mind to sync up is almost impossible.  I have come to the realization that someday if I truly must move on for good and be with someone else, I will never stop loving her.  She is going to have a special part of my heart that won’t ever be able to be erased.  Frankly, to be honest, some days the heartache is so much more painful than all of this cancer business; I think it equates to the fact that I really love her, but ultimately I rather have her be happy and have what’s best for her than for her to be with me and not experience the same joy she brings me.  If it is not her choice to share her life with mine then I just have to accept that and love her in whatever way is best for her, even if that means having no relationship with her.  It is just so hard; I mean it’s nothing like this cancer business; I certainly don’t love the tumor inside me lol.

I couldn’t sleep again last night with all the things on my mind and decided to pray and listen to a sermon to try and ease my spirits.  At 2:30am this morning I listened to Trial and Jesus and I have to say; it relates a lot to exactly how I am feeling right now in many ways.  This is really hard and Pastor Mark Driscoll doesn’t downplay how hard the trials of life are but he ended it with such a fire that Jesus is with us and we can rejoice in the hardships of life. It got me all pumped up to finish this blog lol and am now up in the wee hours of the morning doing so.  Definitely take a listen to it if you can; it’s a really good one.  Fast forward to around the 8th minute though because that is where the sermon actually starts.

One of the devotionals I am reading is Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  On each day for a year she wrote the words and scriptures she felt Jesus lovingly laying on her heart. On July 9th she wrote: “STOP WORRYING long enough to hear My voice.  I speak softly to you, in the depths of your being.  Your mind shuttles back and forth, hither and yon, weaving webs of anxious confusion.  As my thoughts rise up within you, they become entangled in those sticky webs of worry.  Thus, My voice is muffled, and you hear only “white noise”.  Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can think My thoughts.  This ability is an awesome benefit of being My child, patterned after my own image.  Do not be deafened by the noise of the world or that of your own thinking.  Instead, be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Sit quietly in My Presence, letting My thoughts reprogram your thinking.”  Read: Deuteronomy 30:20; Genesis 1:27, and Romans 12:2

On July 15th she wrote: “Do Not Worry About Tomorrow!  This is not a suggestion, but a command. I divided time into days and nights, so that you would have manageable portions of life to handle. My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is for only one day at a time. When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame. You stagger under this heavy load, which I never intended you to carry.  Throw off this oppressive burden with one quick thrust of trust. Anxious thoughts meander about and crisscross in your brain, but trusting Me brings you directly into My Presence. As you thus affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly. Enjoy My Presence continually by trusting Me at all times.”  Read: Matthew 6:34; 2 Corinthians 12:9, and Psalm 62:8

For me, these are both helpful reminders for me to find rest in God’s presence when the cogs in my head won’t stop turning lol.

God has blessed me with a great new friend down here in Maryland; the pastor’s wife of my Nanny & Pop-pops church.  I first met her at a father’s day potluck lunch that their church was having and she talked with me and some of my family for a couple of hours that day.  We noticed a special connection and now are starting to develop a great friendship.  We are very similar in a lot of ways and what makes our friendship so unique and special is that she is a breast cancer survivor; going on 4 years now if I remember right.  It is amazing because not only can she relate to me on a personal level as we have similar personalities and views but she knows in a lot of ways exactly what I am going through right now when it comes to my battle with cancer.  The time I get to spend with her is priceless.  It provides me with someone I can hang out with since all of my other friends are elsewhere and our new friendship gives me someone I can just talk with and receive a lot of wisdom from because she is a cancer survivor and a Christian woman who shares in my faith.  The other day I got to hang out with her and as she enforced how important it is to stay positive, something from the conversation got me thinking.  She asked me to focus on what makes me happy; like a “happy place” to go to when things get tough.  Immediately the first thing that came to my mind was a night when my ex-girlfriend was snuggled up in my arms and falling asleep on my chest.  What was strange was that once she asked me to think of other things since she knows of the situation with my relationship with my ex; for a few moments I couldn’t think of anything else.  It was like one of those huge eye opening moments where the light bulb goes off in your head.  It made me realize that I kind of “lost myself” in the relationship; that I placed so much of my happiness on her and I slowly stopped just simply being great and amazing me.  This wasn’t her fault; it just kind of happened as I had become more and more wrapped up in my own fears during that time.  Now, there is nothing at all wrong having that moment with her being one of the happiest moments in my life;  it was amazing to feel the peace in that moment.  She felt so safe and secure with me and could rest peacefully in my arms and just the knowledge of that brought me such a feeling of joy that naturally it was one of the best moments of my life. That peace is very similar to the peace I now feel when I pray or do a devotional just focusing in on and spending time with God.  I believe that they both have their separate place in life and neither one nor the other can fully replace each other because the peace I felt with her was a very tangible peace as it was mostly derived from a physical feeling.  With God it sometimes is an even greater feeling of peace for me because it is a spiritual peace felt internally.  However, I know now that those moments cannot be the sole thing that brings me joy and unconsciously to me at the time, she became my sole joy.  What a burden it must have been for her…  No one can live up to that; only God can be that kind of rock in our lives.

Another devotional from Jesus Calling that was really awesome was on July 10th and in it Sarah Young writes:  “Relax in My Peaceful Presence.  Do not bring performance pressures into our sacred space communion.  When you are with someone you trust completely, you feel free to be yourself.  This is one of the joys of true friendship.  Though I am Lord of lords and King of kings, I also desire to be your intimate Friend.  When you are tense or pretentious in our relationship, I feel hurt.  I know the worst about you, but I also see the best in you.  I long for you to trust Me enough to be fully yourself with Me.  When you are real with Me, I am able to bring out the best in you: the very gifts I have planted in your soul.  Relax, and enjoy our relationship.”  She also says to read Revelation 17:14 and John 15:13-15.  When I read this, it was like an arrow straight into my heart; a good arrow though.  It felt that way for many reasons and I am left afterwards striving to allow all of my friendships to be that way; especially with the relationship I get to have with my wife someday.  I want my relationship with Jesus to mimic the ones I also have here on earth. 

This is my time to go through the “valley” as some people say; to go through a time of trial and suffering, but in it, also a time to grow.  A friend of mine told me that he thought God was testing me early because He knows that I am strong enough to handle it and that this was “My Everest”.  It (hopefully) will be the toughest climb of the many valleys and mountains that I will encounter in my life but once I beat this and get through this I will be so much stronger, wiser, mature, and better because of it.  This is strengthening my faith and who I am as a person.  Even though I don’t fully understand it always and it is extremely difficult at times, it is forcing me to trust more and more in God and I am growing so much in many aspects of my life; and for that, I thank Him so much!

I know I am repeating a little of what I have said in previous blogs when it comes to how God is working through this difficult season of my life; but I am finding it is for a purpose.  In life, we need to be reminded of things a lot.  For me, I am realizing just how important it is to be reminded of whom God is and how He calls me to live my life.  The lessons I am learning can’t always be equated to that of, lets say, riding a bike; once you learn how to do it, you pretty much know for life.  You see, life is so much more complicated and ever-changing; it can’t be compared to riding a bike because it’s just not that “easy” and we need to be reminded of how we should live it.

Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do.” – Joshua 1:8

“All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work.” 2 Timothy 3: 16-17

Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled.” – Romans 15:4

“Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8: 31-32

“Jesus replied, “All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them. Anyone who doesn’t love me will not obey me. And remember, my words are not my own. What I am telling you is from the Father who sent me.” – John 14: 23-24

“But Jesus said, “It is written, ‘Man is not to live on bread only. Man is to live by every word that God speaks.” – Matthew 4:4

I have come to understand that my relationship with God is the most important relationship I will ever have; and just like for any relationship to work; you must put in the time and effort for it to survive.  I need to spend time with my loving Creator; I need to show my love for Him by studying His word and honoring Him.  Once you get to know the true character of God, it just starts to make sense.  Once you figure out that He loves you unconditionally, with a love that cannot be matched here on this earth, it doesn’t seem so strange.  Once you come to realize that all of His teachings are not to take away from the pleasures of living but rather that He is simply an amazing Father trying to prevent us from any pain by showing us when the time is right to enjoy each and every pleasurable thing God created for us to experience.

I recently watched the movie Stranger than Fiction and the ending just really impacted me as it was a day that I was feeling down.  The monologue at the end of the movie is great and below is it in text form and a video of it.

“As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true.”



It helped remind me of the many awesome little joys that can be experienced in this life and that God is with me.  I need to THANK all of you who are reading this because I feel God in every card & letter you send to me, in every encouraging message, in every word of support and acts of love and kindness from all of you.  In the books you have sent me or in the loving phone calls or texts to see how I am doing.  I have so much to be thankful for and I just wanted to thank each and every one of you because it truly does make the days not so hard and lifts the sorrows that sometimes plague me these days!

“Smile, Enjoy life.  That’s what God put you here to do.  I was sixty years old before I discovered in the Bible that God created us for His enjoyment and ours; that His wisdom is composed of love, joy, and peace; and that He delights to give us pleasure.” – Sherwood Eliot Wirt

“the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!” – Galatians 5:22-23

There is no sugar coating this time in my life.  This is a season where I am in a lot pain, where I am suffering, where some days it’s hard to see His light; my heart, mind, body, and faith are all being tested…

Praise the Lord! 

Consequently, my faith is growing and I am able to feel God in all of this; as I focus in on Him rather than my pain, I am maturing, I am growing and as I am being refined through the fires of my trials I will rejoice in Him!  I cannot escape the many trials that this life brings but instead of losing myself in the false “salvations” that I once looked to for comfort, I am leaning on the only true savior of this world; Jesus.  God doesn’t promise us a life filled without pain, but He does promise us that He will be there for us as we experience it all and thus we are able to experience JOY even in the darkest of places.

Another devotional (yes I look at a lot lol) that I have in a Bible app on my phone stated this the other day: “Spiritual maturity is not something that comes instantly or overnight. While spiritual growth is absolutely accessible, it requires time and a great deal of patience. Many of the good things that come to Jesus’ followers are birthed in the oven of adversity and can be used to lead from hardship to maturity. The Bible shows us the practical steps used by God leading us on the journey to a deeper relationship with Him. The journey begins with our faith being tested (not if but when). Dealing with the testing in a proper way leads to patience, and this patience, while we allow God to work, will ultimately bring us to a point of maturity.  C.S. Lewis said, God whispers to us in our joy but shouts while we go through pain. Is there pain or a problem in your life that could be God trying to get your attention as well as being the first step leading to your spiritual maturity?”

Life is such a journey; filled with the lows of the valleys of life and the highs at the peak of each mountain top.  I am coming to realize that if I am keeping the Lord a priority in my life, then my priorities will be taken care of.  If I am honoring God, then I will be honoring all the other aspects of my life; whether it be my relationships, my job, my finances, my duties as a husband and father someday etc.  The wisdom He is imparting on me brings me an amazing feeling of being loved, peace, and inner joy.

Thank you God for changing my life; and thank you to all of you who are with me and supporting me during this battle.  You have no idea how much it is helping me and means to me!!

It is so easy to get caught up in fear and the negative parts of life and take for granted all the good we do have.  You never know when those joys could be gone or end so I challenge you all to dig a little deep and find out what the joys are in your lives and to simply thank God for each and every one of them and vow to always do your best in appreciating them all!

God Bless All of You!

Love in Him,

-Matthew    =)


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