Saturday, August 11, 2012

Cancer/Life update (57 days into chemo)

I haven’t written a cancer/life update in a while so I thought I would fill you all in on how things have been for me lately.

I am currently in between my third and fourth chemo sessions.  I had my third chemo session on Monday July 30th and my fourth session will be on Friday August 17th.  It was just my Mom and I for this one and I remember being pretty moody (sorry again Momma!).  Now that I had two sessions under my belt; I knew pretty much what to expect and I have come to really dread going to the hospital.  I really dislike chemotherapy.  Just the thought of it starts to make me feel a little sick; that and being in a huge cancer treatment building is not easy.  Like I have said before; it is really hard to see so many people going through what I am going through; and in many cases doing worse than I am doing.  It is just heart wrenching.  It’s hard to be in pain myself let alone see so many other lives in it as well.  I wish I could just make it all go away…  But I am learning that I can't, but rather what I can do is show people the love and hope I have found in Christ and allow His light to shine through me and hopefully it will spread to everyone I encounter.  The treatment went well; it goes smoothly.  I got to the hospital around 9am and I think we left around 5pm.  It’s all become routine.  I know the nurses and “technicians” that normally work with me.  I try to "leave my mark" on them as they all get hugs from me when I am there (just one simple way I like to “spread God's love”).  I get my blood work done in the morning; have breakfast after in the cafeteria, and then hangout until my nurse is ready for me to receive the chemo.  I take some pills before we start and then I just lounge out in a reclining chair for the next 5-6 hours receiving the chemo.  The Benadryl makes me quite sleepy so I tend to sleep for a couple of those hours.  I would read or do other stuff but it’s hard to do with only one arm as my other one has the IV in my forearm.  My Mom had bought some chocolate hazelnut Pirouline sticks to give to people so I did that at the end of my treatment.  I was feeling alright on the drive back home but I quickly started to feel the chemo again. I pretty much passed out once I got home after I ate dinner.  It really hits me hard the night of now.  

A really bright note though is that my blood work & toxicity levels continue to look good and my doctor is very pleased.  My white blood cells and my neutrophils had even gone back up to low-mid normal levels! 

The next 5-7 days after chemo are the roughest, as I have come to expect now.  My body is really bombarded each time I receive chemo so I am just out of energy a lot and at my weakest then.  I take Prednisone those first 5 days of each chemo treatment which is a steroid and is part of my chemo treatment.  It makes me kind of moody and emotional (more so than normal lol) and it also really messes up my sleeping habits.  I haven’t had a good night’s rest in months.  I am always up in the middle of the night and have lots of trouble staying asleep.  I notice a lot in these days that my kidneys and liver tend to feel really hot.  I don’t really know how else to explain it other than that my sides feel really warm/hot; but I never have a fever or anything.  My best guess is that it is because my bodies’ purifiers are just running on overdrive constantly; especially once I get more chemo.  It’s why I drink TONS of water and incorporate liquids with electrolytes (homemade Gatorade) everyday so that I am constantly flushing my body out.  I notice it also helps to rid me of the awful polluted feeling that I always get.  It’s just a strange feeling; hard to explain except to say that you just feel really toxic.  I can just tell my body has been “poisoned” and I just feel so unbalanced and for lack of a better word; yucky!  These tend to be my worst days each session.  Physically I have been doing so much better than expected and definitely have not experienced the worst of what could be happening; but my body is still quite weak most days.  This isn’t too hard to deal with on its own; where I REALLY struggle is in the emotional and mental department.  While having cancer and going through chemo is physically demanding; your mind and emotions are what is really tested!  I really have to battle each and every day to even just handle this difficult journey one day at a time.  It’s not easy at all.  I have my bad days where I am just really sad and get depressed.  I get scared that the chemo isn’t working and that I will have to go through more of this past October.  I get anxious because I just want to feel normal again.  I dread the chemo and there are days that I just want to “give up”.  I feel overwhelmed by my isolation and loss of independence and everything else that comes with having cancer.  There are days where it all builds up and I literally just cry and pray.  For instance, I was having a rough day the other day, called my Dad crying and talked to him as I “vented”.  It helped to talk to him and it just reminds me that God never meant for us to be alone in this life. 

God is always there for me and is all I need; but I think people take that too literally and don’t realize that God is not just a deity up in heaven.  He lives in all of us and is present everywhere.  I feel him in music, I feel him in rays of sunshine, I feel Him during a sunrise and sunset, I feel Him on a hike and at the view of mountain top, I feel Him at the beach, and I certainly can feel His love coming from my family and friends; if I take the time to "look" hard enough, I can almost see Him and feel Him everywhere. 

I honestly don’t think I could do this without all your love and support; or at least it would be infinitely harder!  I might sound like a “broken record” at times but that’s because my current life is like a CD, playing on repeat.  I have to deal with the same things every 3 weeks.  There is no escaping it.  I can’t just take a magic pill to cure me or end all the pain and fear.  I can’t take a drive or go for a bike ride to help release the stress whenever I want to.  I can’t get away.  I am trapped… but what I try to do is just bunker myself in.  I can’t change my circumstances, but I can change how I allow them to affect me!  That is what I am trying to do; to seek God and find hope and strength through Him and through the trials. 

My Dad recently ran the TDBank Beach to Beacon 10K road race last Saturday.  It was kind of a hard day for me because I had run it the past 2 years in a row and had been looking forward to doing it a 3rd consecutive year.  However, a friend of his took my Bib and they both ran in my honor wearing t-shirts dedicated to me.  On the back it said, “we cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails”.  It is such a good quote describing my life right now.  I can’t really control much in my life right (which I believe God is trying to teach me through) but what I can do is “adjust my sails” and try each and every day to seek God and make the best out of my circumstances.  Easier said than done sometimes but not impossible; for ALL things are possible with God!

The pastor at the church I attend down here had a great message the other Sunday.  It was titled ‘wise guys’ and was based out of Proverbs chapter 30 verses 24-28 with a few other verses.  His four main points were as follows.

#1 The wise Prepare for what’s coming.

“Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity, but hasty shortcuts lead to poverty.” – Proverbs 21:5

#2 The wise acknowledge their need for help.

The Lord mocks the mockers but is gracious to the humble.” – Proverbs 3:34

“The Lord has become my fortress, and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.” – Psalm 94:22

#3 The wise understand the power of “us”.

I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God's power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power” – Ephesians 1:19

“By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.” – 2 Peter 1:3

“We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.” – 2 Corinthians 4:7

#4 The wise are constantly persevering.

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.” – Matthew 7:7-8

“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone, especially to those in the family of faith.” – Galatians 6:9-10

This sermon was great for me in many ways.  It reminded me to continue to seek God’s wisdom in/for my life.  They are also just great ways to strive to live by.  Sometimes we need to be proactive rather than just reactive.  We need to be less prideful and more humble; not being afraid to seek help when we need it.  Asking for help isn’t something to be “afraid” of.  It doesn’t mean you are weak; rather that you have enough courage to admit that you could do something better with anothers help or advice.  It makes me think of our lives; we are capable of living really great lives if we simply seek God’s word on how to live it.  It reminded me of the power of two and that there is power in numbers; the greatest power being when our lives are aligned with God.  Ever heard the phrase, “Two heads are better than one”; well it’s not just a smart thing to say; it’s quite true and quite wise.

“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.  Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone?  A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.” - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12a

^a great verse for couples to be reminded of (I will be writing a post about my thoughts on love and marriage sometime in the future; just a heads up, this verse will be in there! =P)

Like I said before; we aren’t meant to live alone in this life.  Lastly and probably my favorite key point was number four; that the wise are constantly persevering.  It was a very inspiring reminder for me with all that I am going through right now.  I will continue to fight!  Even when it is hard, I will keep pressing on; and pressing into God!  When times are hard is when it is most important to seek God; because the trials of our lives don’t just happen; there is always something that can be learned from them.  Also, no matter what, NEVER “become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we shall reap a harvest as long as we DO NOT GIVE UP…”  <------ SO important to remember.

“So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the world’s brilliant debaters?  God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish.  Since God in His wisdom saw to it that the world would never know Him through human wisdom, He has used our foolish preaching to save those who believe.  It is foolish to the Jews, who ask for signs from heaven. And it is foolish to the Greeks, who seek human wisdom.  So when we preach that Christ was crucified, the Jews are offended and the Gentiles say its all nonsense.  But to those called by God to salvation, both Jews and Gentiles, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God.  This ‘foolish’ plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God’s weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength.” – 1 Corinthians 1:20-25

Basically that verse is reaffirming to us that we cannot seek or trust in our own understand of things, but rather seek and trust in God’s wisdom.

In my devotional Jesus Calling, the August 7th reading was a great reminder of how we should trust in God’s wisdom and not our own.  As a reminder it is written as if God was speaking to you; it reads:

“Understanding will never bring you Peace. That's why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not in your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out, in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But the world presents you with an endless series of problems. As soon as you master one set, another pops up to challenge you. The relief you had anticipated is short-lived. Soon your mind is gearing up again: searching for understanding (mastery), instead of seeking Me (your Master).  The wisest of all men, Solomon, could never think his way through to Peace. His vast understanding resulted in feelings of futility, rather than in fulfillment. Finally, he lost his way and succumbed to the will of his wives by worshiping idols.  My Peace is not an elusive goal, hidden at the center of some complicated maze. Actually, you are always enveloped in Peace, which is inherent in My Presence. As you look to Me, you gain awareness of this precious Peace.”

Check out Proverbs 3:5-6, Romans 5:1 and 2 Thessalonians3:16 as they go along with the devotional for the day.

To help me deal with the isolation and loneliness I sometimes feel, which does happen even living with my grandparents; I first and foremost try and make it a priority to pray a lot and do a Bible study every day with my Nanny & Pop-pop.  I also try and see my cousin Melissa once a week or so.  I have started to volunteer at the church; which is rewarding all by itself.  I have expressed to the pastor that I want to get involved there and we are trying to put together a connection group for 20-30 year olds that I will co-lead with his daughter and maybe the music minister; pumped!  Lately I have been meeting with him as well as his wife which I talked about before.  It’s great to pick his brain and just have some good Godly fellowship and his wife is AWESOME!  I feel like we are just two peas in a pod sometimes.  Her friendship has been such a blessing down here.  I even went with her to a workout class she teaches and actually got a pretty darn good workout.  My legs were sore for two days!  It has been really great because I get to get out of the house (so important being an extrovert), have some fun with people, and I showed myself that I can still workout as long as I am careful and smart when doing it.  I can only workout around the last 5-8 days before my next chemo treatment, depending on how my body feels.  Those are the best days because I have come to find it is when I feel the strongest during each chemo session.  Each session is roughly 21 days apart.  The first 7 days my body is really beaten up and needs rest, the middle 7 days are when the chemo affect my white blood cell levels the most and make me feel weak and lightheaded at times, and the last 7 days are my ‘recovery’ days when my body has started to replace the killed white blood cells.  Listening to my body though is really important; I can’t push myself too far or else I could be doing more harm than good. 

Today I went on my 3 mile run that I do now in between each chemo session.  It felt so good after and so bad during haha.  The first mile was again the toughest as my body screamed at me, but this time around, it felt a little easier than last time and I was able to jog more than walk this time.  My pace was still pretty awful, but improved from last time.  Running is such a love/hate relationship.  It’s tough to do, but is a great way for me to challenge myself and overcome something; as there is not much I can actively use in that department these days.  It tires me out and my body hurts afterwards, but the mental win is worth it all; plus I kind of like the soreness in my chest as my lungs expand against my ribs (weird?) lol.

I am really pumped for this month.  August is shaping up to be awesome; starting with that my doctor has finally approved me to fly and I am on my way to Maine tomorrow!  One of my favorite things to do in the summer is travel and take road trips; which clearly I have been unable to do so getting up north to just get away and spend time with some great people who I dearly miss will be awesome!  Also, FOOTBALL IS BACK and the pre-season has begun.  If you know me, you know that I love football and am a diehard Redskins fan!!  My cousin Chad got tickets to the Colts vs. Redskins preseason game on August 25th and my buddy Ben from Maine who is a Colts fan will be flying down for that weekend and coming to the game with us to enjoy some Andrew Luck vs. RG3 action!  It’s going to be a great month.   =)

One last devotional before I let you guys go until my next post.  This one in Jesus Calling was from yesterday August 10th and really brought me some comfort in its words.  It reads:

“Relax in My healing, holy Presence. Allow Me to transform you through this time alone with Me. As your thoughts center more and more on Me, trust displaces fear and worry. Your mind is somewhat like a seesaw. As your trust in Me goes up, fear and worry automatically go down. Time spent with Me not only increases your trust; it also helps you discern what is important and what is not.  Energy and time are precious, limited entities. Therefore, you need to use them wisely, focusing on what is truly important. As you walk close to Me, saturating your mind with Scripture, I will show you how to spend your time and energy. My Word is a lamp to your feet; My Presence is a Light for your path.”

Read Ephesians 5:15-16 and Psalm 119:105 as they go along with this devotional.

I challenge you this next week to be wise; not just what you perceive as wisdom but to be truly wise; and don’t be afraid to open up, don’t be scared to let love in, to trust, and to never stop fighting for what you believe in and in achieving your goals! 

You are never alone, God is always there.

I love you guys,

Take care & God Bless

In Him,

-Matthew   =)


Today’s Music:
Pandora playlists:
Britt Nicole Radio,
Kari Jobe Radio,
and Dance Cardio Radio

As well as